Joel Osteen Jokes
Every week Pastor Joel Osteen likes to get started with something funny. Having a sense of humor is an important quality we all need to have. We all need the gift to laugh, and joy is a gift from God. Smile and enjoy some Joel Osteen funny stories.
I heard about this pastor. He bought a new horse. He trained it to respond to “Praise the Lord” meaning giddy-up and “hallelujah” meaning woah. Every time he said praise the lord, the horse would take off running. When he said hallelujah, it would quickly stop.
One day he was out riding and the horse got spooked and took off straight toward a cliff going full blast. In the panic, he couldn’t remember what he taught his horse. He said blessed God, glory, Amen, nothing worked!
At the last second, he shouted “HALLELUJAH”, the horse came to a screeching halt inches before the edge of the cliff. He breathed a sigh of relief and said, “Praise the Lord!”.
I heard about this man that was very stingy with his money. Just before his death, he made his wife promise him that she would have him buried with the $50,000.00 he had saved. His wife reluctantly agreed.
At the funeral, before they closed the casket, she sneaked in this small wooden box. Her friend said, “Shirley, you didn’t just bury the money, did you? The wife said, “Of course I did! I’m a Christian. I can’t lie.” She said, “You mean you just buried $50,000.00?” The wife said, ”Yes, I did! I wrote a check.”
I heard about these three people: a Russian, an American and a blonde. they were talking together; the Russian said, “We were the first ones in space”. The American said, “Well, we were the first ones on the moon.” The blonde said, “That’s nothing! We’re gonna to be the first ones on the sun.”
The American and the Russian, they laughed. “You can’t go to the sun! It’s too hot and you would burn up.” The blonde said, “We know that! We’re not that dumb, we’re gonna go at night.”
I heard about a minister who was driving down the road and got stopped for speeding. The state trooper smells alcohol on his breath, sees an empty wine bottle on the floor, and asks, “Sir, have you been drinking?”
The minister replies, “Just water.”
The trooper asks, “Then why do I smell wine?”
The minister looks down at the bottle and exclaims, “Good Lord, He’s done it again!”
I heard about this elderly couple. They were having a terrible time with their memory. They went to the doctor. He instructed them to start writing down everything they had been forgetting. The next night, they were watching television and the wife said, “I sure would like a bowl of ice cream.” The husband said, “I’ll go get it for you.”
The wife said, “Honey, you know what the doctor said, you better write it down.” He said, “I’m just going in the kitchen. I’m not going to forget.”. Came back a few minutes later, handed her a plate of bacon and eggs. She shook her head and said, “I should have known it. You forgot my toast.
I heard about this old country farmer. He’s taking his nephew camping for the first time. His nephew had five degrees. He’s one of the smartest men alive. They set up their tent and quickly fell asleep. In the middle of the night, the farmer woke up his nephew. He said, “Look up! What do you see?”. The nephew said, “I see millions of stars.” The farmer said, “I know that but what does that tell you?”.
He said, “Astronomically, it tells me there are billions of galaxies. Meteorologically, it tells me it’s going to be a beautiful day. Theologically, it tells me God is a great creator. What does that tell you?”. The farmer shook his head and said, ”It tells me somebody stole our tent.”
I heard about this man that was walking on the beach. God said, “Son, you’ve been so faithful, I’m going to grant you one special wish.” He was so excited, he said “God, I’ve always wanted to go to Hawaii but I’m afraid to fly, so my wish is that you would build me a bridge across the ocean”. God said, “Son, that’s totally impossible! Think of the logistics of that. Now, take some time and wish again!”.
He said, “Okay God, I’ve been married four times. All my ex-wives say I’m so insensitive. So, my wish is that I’d be able to understand a woman. I wanna know why they think like they think, why they feel like they feel.”. There was a long pause, God said, “Do you want two lanes or four lanes on that bridge?”.
I heard about these three sisters, ages 96, 94 and 92 that lived together. One night, the 96-year-old draws a bath, she puts one foot in and stops. She hollers downstairs, “I can’t remember if I was getting in or getting out.”. The 94-year-old says, “Hang on, I’ll come up and help you.”. She gets halfway up the stairs and stop, says, “I can’t remember If I was going up or coming down.”
The 92-year-old shook her head and said, “Boy, I hope I don’t get that forgetful” and she knocked on wood for good luck then she said, “Hang on, I’ll come help both of you as soon as I see who’s at the door.”
I heard about this man, he was taking a walk in the woods with his friend when suddenly they encounter a huge grizzly bear about 20 yards in front of them. They both froze in their trunks. As the bear intently stared them down, they contemplated what they should do. Finally, the man said to his friend, “I think we should run.”
His friends said, “Are you crazy? We can’t outrun a grizzly bear!” The man said, “I know that. I don’t have to outrun him. I just have to outrun you.”
I heard about this young man. He was a huge football fan. He bought two tickets to the super bowl months ahead of time not realizing it was gonna be on the same day as his wedding. He paid $2,000 each for the tickets, so he put an add on Facebook asking if anyone would like to go in his place. He said it will be at 3:00 o’clock at First Baptist Church and her name is TIffany.
I heard about this kindergarten teacher. She wanted to teach her students about self esteem. She said to her class "Everyone who thinks you are dumb, please stand up."
She didn't think anybody would stand and she'd make the point how no one was dumb. But about that time little Jonny stood up. She didn't quite know what to do. She said, "Now Johnny do you really think that you're dumb?"
He said, "No Ma’am, I just hate to see you standing there all by yourself."
I heard about this 85-year-old woman. She went on a blind date with a 92-year-old man. She came home very frustrated and her daughter said, "Mom, what's wrong?" She said, "I had to slap him three times."
The daughter said, "You mean he tried to get fresh?" She said, "No. I thought he was dead."
This was sent to me (Joel) from a senior citizen's home. It's about this 84-year-old woman. She'd gotten out of shape and knew she needed to start exercising. So she decided to join an aerobics class for seniors.
And the first day, she bent and twisted and gyrated back and forth, jumped up and down, perspired for over an hour. But she said by the time she got her leotards on the class was over.
I heard about this Mother, One Sunday morning she went into her son's bedroom and she said, "Son, wake up. It's time to go to church."
He kinda groaned and rolled over and said, "No Mom, I'm not going to church today."
She said, "What do you mean you're not going? Why not?"
He said, "Mom, I'll give you two good reasons. Number one, I don't like those people. And number two, they don't like me."
She said, "Son, that's no excuse. I'll give you two better reasons why you SHOULD go. Number one, you're fifty-nine years old and number two, you're the Pastor."
I heard about this kindergarten teacher. She was walking around her classroom as her students drew pictures. She noticed this one little girl drawing so intently she asked her what she was drawing.
The little girl said she was drawing a picture of God. The teacher kind of laughed. She said, "Oh Honey nobody really knows what God looks like.
The little girl without missing a beat said, "They will in a minute."
I heard about this lady that was shopping with her husband. He had asked her to not buy any new clothes.
Well she saw this dress in the window and decided to try it on. She liked it so much, she bought it in secret. Couple of days later the husband discovered it and he was so upset. And she explained to him that when she tried it on it looked so good that Satan tempted her to buy it and she just couldn't resist it.
He said, "Well, why didn't you do what the scripture says and say "get behind me Satan?" She said, "I did and he told me it looked even better from a distance."
I heard about this elderly lady. She came into church one Sunday morning and a friendly usher greeted her and said, "Ma’am where would you like to sit?" She said, "I would like to sit in the very front row."
And he said, "Oh no Ma’am, you don't want to do that. Our Pastor is very boring. He'll put you to sleep. Let me seat you somewhere else."
She was appalled. She said, "Sir, do you know who I am?" He said, "no." She said, "I am the Pastor's Mother." He hung his head in embarrassment and finally he looked up and said, "Ma’am, do you know who I am."
She said, "no." He said, "Thank God."
I heard about this burglar that broken into a house one night. As he was stealing the stereo, he heard a voice say "Jesus is watching you."
He froze in his tracks, shined his flashlights, and saw a parrot over in the corner. He said, "Did you say that to me?"
The parrot said "Yes, I'm just trying to warn you." He said "Warn me. What are you talking about? Who are you?" The parrot said "My name is Moses."
The burglar laughed and said "What kind of crazy people would name a parrot Moses?" The parrot said "The same kind of people that would name a 150-pound rottweiler, Jesus."
A new police recruit was taking his final exam. He was in front of this large classroom.
The Sargent asked him "What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother-in-law?" Without missing a beat he said "Call for backup".
I heard about this man named Bubba. He lived way out in the country. There was a stray dog that kept showing up at his house. His wife said "Bubba, you have to put the dog in the truck, take him out to the woods and drop him off. That's where he lives." Bubba took him a mile down the road, dropped him off. When he came home, the dog was walking up the driveway. Practically beat him back home.
It happened again and again. His wife said "Bubba, you have to take him way out. Drive him around in circles. Get him mixed up." Bubba took him an hour away. Criss crossed country roads he had never driven before. Dropped him off.
Two hours later, he calls his wife from the truck. He said "Did the dog come back?" She said "Yes he's walking up the driveway." He said "Do me a favor, put him on the line. I need directions."
I heard about this minister, he'd been out hunting all day long. He searched and searched through the woods, with no sign of a bear. Finally, in frustration, he through his gun down on the ground. He went down to the stream to cool off.
About that time he sees this huge grizzly bear running at him, full force, about a hundred yards away. He fell down on his knees and said "God, I need protection. Please convert this bear into a Christian." Miraculously, the bear froze in his tracks, lifted both paws to the Heavens and said "Lord, thank you for this food I am about to eat."
I heard about these three men, a Baptist, a Catholic and a Charismatic. They died on the same day and went to Heaven. Saint Peter met them at the gates and said "I'm sorry men, your rooms are not available yet."
He didn't know what to do, so he decided to call Satan and see if he would keep them for a little while. Satan reluctantly agreed.
A few hours later Satan called Peter and said "Peter, you've got to come get these guys. The Baptist man is saving everybody. The Catholic man is forgiving everybody. And the Charismatic has already raised enough money for air conditioning."
Letter to parents from a college student.
Dear Mom and Dad,
There was a riot on campus, from the smoke I inhaled, I developed a life-threatening lung disease. At the hospital, I met a parking lot attendant. We fell in love. Our baby is on the way. After one month, when he gets off of probation, I am going to drop out of college. We are going to move to Alaska and get married.
Signed,
Your loving daughter
P.S. None of this is true, but I did fail Chemistry.
I heard about this groom. At the wedding rehearsal, he said to the minister "I'll make a deal with ya. If during the vows you'll leave out all of that love, honor and obey stuff, I'll give you a hundred dollars. "He slipped a hundred-dollar bill in the minister's hand and walked away with a smile.
The next day during the ceremony, the minister said to him "Do you promise to bow down before your wife, to take her breakfast in bed, to fulfill her every desire." He gulped in astonishment and said in a weak voice "I do." Then he whispered in the minister's ear "I thought we had a deal?"
The minister handed him back his money and said "Your wife made me a much better offer."
One day Jesus and Satan were having a contest to see who was better with computers. After 6 hours of making spreadsheets and designing web pages, a thunderstorm knocked the power out.
When they rebooted their computers, Satan started screaming "It's all lost. All my material is gone." While Jesus quietly walked over, printed his out, turned it in. Satan says "That's not fair. He must have cheated. How come he didn't lose his material?"
God smiled and said "Jesus Saves."
I heard about these two men, the Pope and a lawyer. They died on the same day. Peter met them at the gate and said "Follow me, I'll take you to your houses."
Peter dropped the Pope off at this small wood frame house, one bed, one table, nothing to it. He then took the lawyer to this magnificent house. It was huge, had a big swimming pool, beautiful view out back.
The lawyer was overwhelmed. He said "Peter, how did I manage to get this spectacular place and the Pope only got the small place?" Peter said "We have dozens of Popes. You're the first lawyer."
I heard about this man. He was the only Protestant in a large Catholic neighborhood. Every Friday during Lent, while his neighbors were eating cold fish, he was in his backyard grilling a steak.
They couldn't stand the temptation. So, they decided to try to convert him to Catholism. He finally agreed. A priest came over, sprinkled water on his head, said you were born a Baptist, you were raised a Baptist. Now you're a Catholic.
The next year, on the first Friday of Lent they smelled the same smell. They rushed to his house. He was in his backyard sprinkling water over his steak saying you were born a cow, you were raised a cow, but now you're a fish.
This pastor decided to skip church one Sunday morning and go play golf. He told his assistant he wasn't feeling well. He drove to a golf course in another city, so nobody would know him.
He teed off on the first hole. A huge gust of wind caught his ball, carried it an extra hundred yards and dropped it right in the hole, for a 450-yard hole in one. An angel looked at God and said "What'd you do that for?" God smiled and said "Who's he going to tell?"
I heard about this elderly lady, she was at the store and accidentally locked her keys in the car. She had a coat hanger and was trying and trying, but she couldn't get it unlocked. She finally prayed and asked God to help her.
About that time, this real rough looking guy pulled up on a motorcycle. He was dressed in leather, tattoos, wearing a skull cap. In 15 seconds, he had the car unlocked.
She gave him a hug and said "Lord, thank you for sending me this nice man." He said "Lady, I'm not a nice man. I just got out of prison for auto theft." She hugged him again and said "Lord, thank you. You even sent me a professional."
I heard about this pastor. He was finishing up a fiery sermon on self-control. He said with great passion,
"If I had all the beer in the world, I'd throw it in the river."
With greater fervor, "If I had all the wine in the world, I'd throw it in the river."
Almost at the top of his lungs, "If I had all the whiskey in the world, I'd throw it in the river."
He sat down, the song leader came up. He said "For our closing song, Let's sing Hymn 365..... Shall we Gather at the River."
Three men were traveling together, a Hindu priest, a Jewish Rabbi, and a Televangelist. They stopped at a farmhouse for lodging.
The farmer said "I only have room for two of you in the house, somebody will have to stay out in the barn."
The Hindu priest said "I'll do it." In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. He said "I can't stay out there. There's a cow and cow's are sacred in our religion."
The Jewish Rabbi said "I'll do it." In a few minutes, there was a knock on the door. There was a pig, and that wouldn't be kosher.
The Televangelist said, "Ok, I'll do it." A few minutes later there was a knock on the door, it was the cow and the pig.
I heard about this 92-year-old man. He wasn't feeling up to par, so he went to the doctor.
A few days later, the doctor saw him out in the park with this beautiful young lady by his side. And he seemed as happy as can be. The doctor said "Wow, you sure are feeling a lot better, aren't you?"
He said yes doctor, I'm just following your orders. You said get a hot mama and stay cheerful." The doctor said, "I didn't say that. I said you got a heart murmur. Be careful."
I heard about this group of elderly ladies, way up in their 80's. They were driving down the freeway together, when they were pulled over by a policeman. The officer said to the lady "Ma'am, do you realize you're only going 35 miles per hour?"
She said, "Yes officer, I realize that." He said "Well, why are you going so slow?"
She said, "Because that is what the sign says." He kind of laughed and said "No ma'am, that's the number of the freeway. This is highway 35. By the way, why do these other passengers look so terrified?"
She smiled and said, "Because we just got off Highway 95."
I heard about this man, he was sitting in a dark restaurant. He said to this lady sitting next to him "Would you like to hear a blonde joke?"
She said "Well, before you tell me, you should know that I'm blonde, 6 foot tall and a professional body builder. The lady next to me is blonde, 6 foot 2 and a professional wrestler. And the lady next to her is blonde, 6 foot 5 and the kickboxing champion of the world. Now, do you still want to tell me?"
He thought about it for a moment and then said "No. Not if I'm going to have to explain it three times."
I heard about this teenager who had just gotten his driver's license. He asked his dad if he could borrow the car. His dad said "Son I'll make a deal with you. If you bring your grades up, read your bible every day, and cut your hair, you can borrow the car."
A month later he came back and asked about it and his dad said, "Well Son, you've brought your grades up and you've been reading your bible, but you still haven't cut your hair."
He said "Dad, I've been thinking about it. Moses had long hair. Samson had long hair. Even Jesus had long hair."
Dad said, "Yeah son, and they walked everywhere they went."
An elderly man had a serious hearing problem for many years. He went to the doctor and was fitted with this state of the art, high-tech hearing aide, to where he could hear 100%.
He went back a month later for a checkup. The doctor said "Wow, your hearing is perfect. Your family must be so excited that you can hear again."
He said "No, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the different conversations, and I've changed my will 3 times."
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 AM and was asked where he was going at that time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking, and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving a lecture this time of night?" The man replied, "That would be my wife."
Three pastors went to a pastor’s conference and were all sharing in one room. During the conversation one pastor said, "We never get to let our hair down. Let's each tell the area that we struggle in the most. Our greatest sin, so we can pray for each other."
The first pastor said "I hate to admit this, but I have a problem with gambling. Sometimes I sneak out at night, and gamble."
The second pastor said "I am ashamed to admit this, but I have a problem with cheating. I hardly ever pay my taxes."
The third pastor sat there silently. They waited and waited. He wouldn't budge. They said, "We're not leaving until you tell us your greatest sin."
He said "Alright, My secret sin is gossiping, and I just can’t wait to get out of this room."
I heard about this man. He came up to a Baptist pastor. He said, "Sir, my dog just passed away. I was wondering if you could come to my house and have a funeral for him."
The paster seemed kind of annoyed and said "No, I can't do a funeral for a dog." The man said, "That's too bad, I was thinking about making a five-thousand-dollar donation to your church."
The pastor smiled and said, "Why didn't you tell me your dog was Baptist."
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand-new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more.
Looking in his rear-view mirror, he saw a State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard-- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."
"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.